Why is there so much blood in my alcohol system?
I’m actually concerned for boys who complain about how different girls look without makeup. Like did you think eyeshadow permanently alters a girls eyelid? Are you frightened when people change clothes
Babies have no concept of object permanence
That’s one of the sickest burns I’ve ever read.
Miley: “Dad I have something for Tanners bug collection”
my uncle: “that’s great”
Miley: “it’s a bird”
my uncle: “no its not”
They let it go and it flew away just fine, so we’re wondering how she caught it.
she caught another bird.
update: she caught a squirrel today
She is gonna rule the world one day with this power
*puts metaphor between teeth* it’s a cigarette
when you haven’t saved your final project and your computer freezes
"your file has been recovered"
my mom is scREAMING downstairs right now about how there’s no chocolate.
“How can we NOT HAVE CHOCOLATE IN THIS HOUSE?”
“How is there NO CHOCOLATE???”
“DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT WE HAVE A WHALE HANGING FROM THE CEILING BUT THERE’S NO CHOCOLATE?”
when you have a coughing fit in class and you are trying to hold it in
i cant believe how true this is
- “clean up on aisle that guy”
- “hahaha walk much?”
- “wow looks like someone just fell over and that someone is you”
- “hey look at ol’ stupid legs over here”
- “hope you remembered your travel insurance and passport for that trip you just took lmao”
- “it’s called ‘gravity’ get used to it bucko”